Forcing Myself To Love You
by 16amber
Summary: Jacob tells Nessie about his past with Bella but doesn't explain it right. Ness is doing everything she can to not be Jacob's sloppy seconds but is having a hard time dealing with it. *Lemons*
1. Chp 1 Get Away

N~POV:

I was losing him, the one I loved the absolute most. Because he wasn't mine to love. I had to keep him with me for a little bit longer. It felt like there was an unexplainable bond between us but that only I could feel it.

I really didn't want to have sex with Jacob until I was married but maybe giving my virginity to Jacob was the only way I could show him how much I really loved him, still love him. I at least wanted to be married to Jake, on the first night of our honeymoon. But I couldn't wait that long or I would surely lose him forever. I can't let that happen. So I asked dad if I could spend the night at Jake's place.

"Renesmee I don't like that idea." Dad said shaking his head at me.

"Please dad, this will might be the last thing I have to do to see…" I left out the last part hoping I wouldn't have to say it but he wouldn't budge.

"To see what Renesmee?"

"To see if he loves me." I whispered but knowing he would hear me.

"You already know he does." Dad scoffed as if it was plainly obvious but I knew otherwise. He doesn't love me! He loves her! I shouted in my head and dad flinched a bit. "Sorry dad, but I really need you to stay out of this. I have to do this." I said with finality. He nodded his head and I walked out the door to Jake's car where he held the door open for me. I smiled at the gesture but I knew he thought differently about it then I did.

So that's how I managed to find myself naked underneath a very naked Jacob Black. Awkward, uncomfortable and painful are the words that come to mind right now. He broke my resisting skin and I knew that I would regret not waiting like I wanted to.

He thrusted into me again and again. The pain was still there and I couldn't feel any pleasure. The only pleasure I felt was what Jacob felt. I knew he was close but I still didn't feel what I had felt when I did it by myself. I loved the feeling of Jacob being this close to me but I couldn't shake the other horrible feelings. He thrusted again and I saw his eyes squint shut in pure ecstasy. "Fuck Renesmee." He moaned, I felt him pulsate inside me and then fill me up for the first time in my life. "Oh shit!" He groaned. The last of his climax surging through him. He almost collapsed on top of me but quickly rolled over. "God Ness, that was…" He trailed off, he looked on cloud nine but I was still confused. So confused, what was the big fuss about? All I felt now was frustrated and the area between my legs throbbed a lot.

My mind reverted to a couple of nights before, how he confessed to me that he once loved my mother. I felt a shudder go through me but Jacob took it the wrong way. "Are you cold Nessie?" He breathed on my neck. I shook my head. I sort of felt dirty and used, like I was Jacob's second choice to my mother. He would rather have sex with her than me. He would rather moan Bella's name than mine. I was as close as he could get. I could feel the tears threatening to surface. I didn't want Jacob to see them so I asked what I wanted to know the most.

"Do you regret it Jake?" I asked, willing for my voice to not sound horrible. "Regret what?" His voice instantly filled with concern.

"Do you regret having sex?" I begged my voice to sound normal. I sat up and so did Jake wrapping his arms around me. "Are you kidding Nessie? That was the best I've ever felt in my life! That was amazing! God!" He yelled, a face splitting grin coming across his face. How could he feel that? I didn't feel any of those feelings, I felt pain and confusion. I also felt frustrated, like I hadn't gotten my end of the deal either, that I didn't get to have my big finish that apparently felt 'amazing'.

My eyes were glossing over, all I could think about is my mother and Jacob. How they had kissed, how he loved her. I felt sick to the stomach. I got out of Jake's bed and started re-dressing. I could feel his eyes burning holes into my back as I put my black t-shirt on. "What are you doing?" He asked sadly. I didn't dare look into his eyes or my tears would spill over. So I lied to him. "Uh, dad would have a fit if I'm not back soon." _Please don't hate me Jacob, I still love you even if you don't love me back. _"I thought your dad said that you could stay the night, I mean it's not like he didn't know what we would get up to." He chuckled at the last part. Dammit Jake, why do you have to pick up on everything?

"Uh, yeah but Alice said she wanted to take me shopping." I silently begged Alice to see that she would soon see me begging to take me shopping with her without any questions. "Can't she take you another time, I mean, we just made love Nessie. Can't I spend some time with my girl?" He asked, his voice breaking on the last note. So he called it 'love making', I thought it was just sex, or fucking. I felt on tear slide down my cheek as he called me _his girl. _Yes I suppose I was his girl, but he wasn't my guy. He never was, he was my mothers.

To hold, to love, to cherish. I had nothing and it broke my heart. My mother had my father and she had Jake. Why can't something be mine for once? I hoped out of the bed, still bare bottomed and made my way into his en-suite. "Sorry Jake, you know how pushy Alice can be." I forced out a small laugh. I cleaned up the mess pooled between my legs. There was mostly blood, probably from where my hymen resisted the change of Jacob breaking my virginity. I came back out as he just watched me from his bed. "Are you sure Ness? I love you, Please don't leave." His voice choked out. Oh God, please don't, I can't stand it when he begs. "I'm sorry Jacob." I put my panties and jeans back on. I looked down at the bed, blood covered the sheets, everywhere. "Sorry about your sheets too." My voice came out small and barely there, but with Jacob's hearing of course he heard it. "Don't worry about it, are you sure you can't stay? Are you in pain?" I shook my head, lying again and grabbed my shoes. "Sorry _Jacob _I have to go." I had to remember to stop calling him Jake or my Jacob. Those were the names my mother called him. I didn't want him thinking about her more than he probably already did when we had sex. I was still surprised he moaned _my _name during, I was for sure he might slip up in the throes of passion but never the less he still managed to not say her name. Maybe it was all in my head? I shook off the thought as I remembered how highly he spoke of their second kiss.

How he could see his future with Bella, how much it meant to him. I could never compare. I had only hoped the sex was enough. "Okay Jacob, I'll see you… later I suppose." I really didn't want to see him while I'll felt like this. Dirty, used and so unloved. I felt broken. Maybe dad could help me a little. I felt the tears streaming down my face and I walked out of his room. "Nessie wait!" Shit, he had seen me crying. I could hear him scrambling to get shorts on while I bolted out the door, Sue and Charlie were just helping Billy get out of the car when they noticed me. Grandpa was the first to notice me slowly jogging out of the house, not to use my hybrid abilities and freak out the humans. "Hey Ness, what's wrong?" He asked his voice laced with concerned.

"Uh, not-thing…" I stuttered. My tears jerking out.

I could taste the tears coming off my cheeks and curling 'round into my mouth. "You don't seem fine Nessie." Billy stated looking straight at me. Sue was the first one to come up to me. "Aw honey was it something Jacob did?" I shook my head but at the same time I heard the small fly screen door almost come off its hinges. "Nessie please!" Jacob pleaded, zipping up his fly but I let go of Sue and quickly said my goodbyes. I didn't care if I did freak out the humans, I just had to get away from _him. _

I ran into the woods quickly hoping he wouldn't phase because he could surely catch up to me then. I was thankful Billy, Sue and Charlie are stopping him for a little bit giving me some time to pack my things.

I bounded down towards the cottage and found dad waiting on the porch for me. I nodded into the woods not wanting _Bella _to hear our conversation. Dad froze at my use of calling my mother by her first name but understood how I felt and agreed, walking me away from them so we could talk.

I told him everything, showed him everything. Well not the sex part but I still think he got some mental pictures from my mind when he didn't want to. He knows I regretted it but had the decency not to do the 'I told you so' thing. I was thankful seeing as it is his wife that is causing me pain as my next stop was Alice. I raced up to her room in the main house and she was already digging stuff out of her wardrobe.

"How long are we going for?" She asked picking out some shoes. "About a week I think should do." She nodded her head and pulled out the right amount of clothes for us.

"So have you figured out where we are going?"

"New York probably, the earliest flight we can take. I think some shopping will be in order." Her face lightened up immediately at the mention of this and she called the airport.

With that I said goodbye to everyone except for Jacob and dad who were probably fighting. As soon as I said that I heard dad shout from deep in the forest, "Goodbye Renesmee, call me when you land." Alice, Jasper and I set off to the airport ready to board our next flight to New York.

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**A/N: **Sorry guys about the Cliffy but I promise it'll get better! Please let me know if you want something to happen or if it would be to cliché. I have quite a few chapters written out already but let me know in a review or PM me.


	2. Chp 2 Make it Right

**A/N: **Okay guys sorry for not updating sooner but I did quite know where to end this chapter and start the next. Don't worry everything will get better, Ness just has to figure out some things first. Also the reason why Ness has so many doubts is because Jake didn't really explain the whole Bella thing right. (There's going to be a flash back chapter soon!)

Next chapter will be in Jasper's POV and maybe someone else's. Haven't decided yet... anyone want to tell me who's POV they rather?

Anyway on with the story...

~~o.O.o~~

Jake's POV:

Still trying to come down from the most mind blowing orgasm I've ever had, I noticed an unbearable pain from Ness. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong and it hurt a lot.

"Okay Jacob, I'll see you… later I suppose." She said fixing up her shoes. I could feel the uneasiness rolling off her. She was always an open book to me but ever since I told her about Bella and I's past she hasn't even said 'I love you' once. She hasn't trusted me and then she came over here telling me that she wants to have sex.

I wasn't going to deny her something she wanted but I always thought she wanted to wait until she was married _to me, _like her parents. I couldn't say much but I thought it was the best thing ever. I know it had to have hurt for her but I thought it was pretty good. The best feeling in the world actually. I was upset that she couldn't stay so I could take her to dinner but I guess Pixie had other things in mind. I was so confused, I thought she wanted this to happen.

I could see the small tear roll down her cheek but she tried to cover it up. "Nessie wait!" I quickly got up and tried to find _any _shorts but she was already out the door.

I heard a car pull up but I was to busy trying to keep Nessie from leaving without freaking out any one else with my junk. I finally found some cut-offs and pulled them up leaping down the stairs.

I silently thanked my dad from stopping Nessie but I was also annoyed, I wouldn't be able to ask what was wrong with them right there and judging me. Too late anyway.

I pulled up my fly and flew out the door "Nessie please!" _Shit! _Sue, Charlie and dad were all here and comforting her.

Nessie saw me and ran at her inhuman speed. I was about to phase and run after her but _the humans _stopped me.

"What the hell did you do to her?" Charlie asked, clearly pissed off that I had made Nessie cry. I was pissed at myself too, I couldn't stand hurting her, it pained me too. "I don't know, we were- uh, doing something and I thought everything was fine but she just left." Crap, I really hoped they didn't ask what we were doing. But as if God hated me, my luck ran out when Sue asked: "And what were you two doing exactly that you came stumbling out of the house doing up your zipper?" She looked pissed, in fact they all did. They had a right to be.

"Something okay. Look the sooner I can get to her, the sooner I can figure out what happened." I tried to walk past them but all three blocked my way. _Oh for fucks sake._

"Jacob, you aren't going anywhere until you tell us what you were doing and what happened." Dad said in a pretty stern voice. "Okay, well we did _it _and I thought everything was fine, I even had this whole dinner planned and everything but she shot outta there as fast as she could. I don't know what I did wrong, or why she's upset. I thought I did everything right and I don't know what to do-" I was stopped by a stabbing feeling in my stomach. I doubled over and wrapped my arms around my stomach.

"Are you okay Jake?" Sue asked. I shook my head, my voice coming out strained from the pain. "She's hurting!" I practically yelped. Charlie and Billy exchanged glances and nodded. "Okay, go get her Jake. But make it right." I nodded and ran into the forest, shredding my clothes and letting the heat roll through me.

I ran through the forest trying to pick up on her scent when I neared the cottage. I stopped running when Edward came into view.

Shit. "Hello Jacob Black." His voice dripping with acid. Oh fuck, so this is how I die.

"I'm not here to kill you mutt. Here. Put these on, so we can have a real conversation. Man-to-man." He handed me some shorts and I ran into the woods. Phasing back and chucking the shorts on.

"Is Nessie alright?" I asked quickly before he could pick anything out of my mind or maim me.

"No she's not Jacob. Do you know what you put her and Bella through?" How the fuck am I supposed to know if she won't tell me? "Renesmee is still under the impression that you still love Bella and that you'd prefer to have her instead of Renesmee." What the fuck?! It's always been Nessie. Never anyone else. I felt another blow to the stomach, almost like someone was stabbing me from the inside without the super-fast healing.

"Do you think she knows that Jacob? How does she know that you love her and not Bella?" I felt a smaller blow a little to the left now. Oh dear God please make it stop. "I tell her I love her all the time." I managed to choke out. I gripped the sides of my stomach trying to ease the pain, it didn't work.

"Do you actually think she believes that anymore? She hates her mother and I'm stuck in the middle. Bella is so upset its almost unbearable to be near her." He replied. 'Why?' I asked through my thoughts, it hurt to much to speak now. "Because you didn't explain it right dog! She showed me everything Jacob, how she feels, how she thought you'd rather be with Bella than defiling her. It's sickening Jacob, how much she thinks you want to be with Bella rather than an off-cast." His voice laced with disgust. He had every right to be, I did defile Ness. I didn't explain it right. I am the one causing her all this pain. My stomach tightened even more. Yeah well maybe if Edward and Bella told her this a long time ago, we wouldn't have this problem.

Edward paused for a moment, as if contemplating what I had said but then called out, "Goodbye Renesmee, call me when you land." Wait, what?

"Where is she going?" I asked trying to straighten up but that just made my stomach flip. "She's spending some time with Alice and Jasper to get away from you." Another blow hit.

"I need to get to her." I started to walk around him when he said something that made me crumble to the ground. "She regrets it Jacob." I fell to my knees. Hoping what he had said wasn't true or that he was talking about something else. Anything else. "I wish I were Jacob but I'm not. She does regret having sex with you. She didn't even want to do it in the first place."

The hits kept on coming but I had to get to my imprint, she's hurting and it's _my fault. _"No you're lying Edward, Nessie wouldn't do something like that." I could feel the tears springing to my eyes. It was painful knowing that Nessie leaving me. "She's leaving you because she thinks you don't love her Jacob. Maybe if you truly did love her you would know that she wanted to wait until her _wedding night _to have sex instead of forcing herself to love you."

"Please stop. I know, I know I hurt her but please make it stop." The tears erupted and the pain wouldn't be brought to a standstill. "Make it right pup, or you'll lose her and Bella." With that he left. There was nothing more I could do. Renesmee's gone, Bella's hurting, I screwed things up and now probably every Cullen hates me. Yep life is great.


	3. Chp 3 In My Mind

**A/N: I am so sorry. I really don't have any excuses so I'll let you get on with the story. Also someone PM'd me and told me this was too depressive and offensive. I really didn't mean to offend anyone and things will turn around for Jake and Ness but for now Ness needs to deal with her feelings. Give it time please. Sorry about the three different points of views.**

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Jasper's~POV:

We soon arrived at the hotel Alice made a quick booking for. It was a splendid 5-star hotel. It was to cheer up Nessie some more and take her mind off that mutt but as soon as we got here she just went into her room and looked herself in it.

It was hard to help her when she thoroughly believed that Jacob had dated and slept with Bella when Edward left. Of course she thinks everything else came along with it. That they were in-love, in-lust and happily dating for 8 months. She keeps badgering herself with it. I can't make her think otherwise, neither could Alice, Edward or Jacob. But we can try.

"How is she?" My love asked. I shrugged, "She's still the same, I don't think she's sleeping. She hasn't hunted in awhile, too busy worrying about Jacob and Bella's past. She isn't doing anything, I think she's just sitting down." Alice nodded.

"How's she feeling." This was the hardest thing, she was hurting so much and I could feel all her pain. By the request of Nessie, I don't tell anyone how she's feeling because underneath that hard exterior, is a heartbroken girl who just wants to be loved. I try, I really do try and tell her how much Jacob and the family love her but no one but Nessie and I really knows how she's feeling. But this is important, I have to tell Alice or it might not get better.

"She's heartbroken. She feels like Jacob doesn't love her, she hates Bella. She envies what Bella and Jacob had. She's jealous and lonely, seriously mis-understood. She feels used and unloved. Regrets what she did with Jacob." Alice looked pained, it was hard for both of us too, knowing that our niece is in pain but we can't do anything about it.

"What did she do with Jacob?"

"She forced herself to have premarital relations with him when she didn't want to."

"Did Jacob force or pressure her?" I shook my head. Alice let out an unneeded breath and we both silently agreed to give Nessie some time to deal with her feelings.

~~o.O.o~~

N~POV:

It's been three solid days since I've talked to anyone. I was pretty much going over what Jacob and I had been talking about before I made the decision to have sex with Jacob. It was a stupid thing to do but what's done is done. Wasn't there a saying or something that a girl gets her heartbroken at least once in her life? Certainly this was enough for me. It was enough to last a life time.

I thought back to every single aspect of my life and couldn't find one day that didn't have Jacob in it. We've never been apart for more than 12 hours. Those hours, days, years… they were so perfect. We grew into each other and he told me everything about himself. Little did I know that he wasn't telling me everything and if that didn't push us apart I don't know what does. What happened to 'Let's be honest with each other?' Does all that just float away? Does it only apply to one side of the couple? I know I have lived in a bubble all my life but I wasn't stupid.

I wished so much that he was mine but he spoke in high detail of his life before me. It was stuck in my head like a broken record. I couldn't get it out. I almost missed the part he included at the end over my own heartbeat that was racing at about a mile a minute. "Ness none of it matters compared to the last 7 wonderful years with you" It had hurt so much that something was missing, I couldn't fully understand it but my heart was aching and my head pounded a mile a minute. Only Jacob could fix that.

It was a while before I came to my senses and looked around the room. I was sitting on the floor, blocking the door so no one would bother me. Even though I knew it wouldn't stop them, it was more like a natural human way to stop them. I held my phone dearly to my chest, somewhat hoping he would call or text me that he meant none of which he had said. But that wasn't going to happen. The remains of the make-up I had for Jacob days ago have stained my face from the tears I had surely shed. I can't help falling down like the world around me. My head tried to retreat to a safe place, to protect itself from being torn. It replayed all the great times with Jacob. There were a lot. The main one that kept popping up, like an unwanted ad on a website, was of the conversation that devastated me, I wished I had taken things differently. Maybe understood everything a bit better. _'I'll never get him back' _I thought to myself as I did the only thing I could think of that gave me some time.

~~o.O.o~~

J~POV:

For once I wasn't going to push myself onto the girl, not like what I had done with Bella. After all that's what got me into this mess anyway and look where that got me. Heartbroken. Twice.

I was going to let her have complete control over this situation and whatever she saw fit I was going to go along with. Apparently she thought forcing herself to sleep with me was what she saw fit but I didn't know that at the time. Was I that dense or disgusting? Yes. Yes I was.

Everything just kept on going downhill, Bella didn't talk to me because I had made her daughter hate her. Edward would give me short clipped answers and gritted them through his teeth. I called Jasper once to ask him how she was but he handed the phone to pixie and that I would find out in an hour. So I waited and waited. Billy tried to call me to dinner but I haven't been able to eat for the past three days. I think I might have hunted a rabbit once… do you know how low that is for a _shapeshifter. To feed on a rabbit. A fucking bunny? _The guys tried to make a couple jokes but quickly shot that down when my mood shot down to about -28.

I constantly thought about her and in that one hour everything increased by ten fold. Was she finally going to talk to me? Was she going to let me explain? Was she going to forgive me? But that small glimmer of hope certainly died down when she sent me that text. One text and I thought I died.

_New text from Nessie:_

_It's over. Goodbye Jacob._

She broke up with me in a text!? She couldn't even break my heart with a phone call or wait until it was face-to-face? Was I really that worthless that she could tear me in two with a simple four word text? It certainly felt that way. I wailed even harder and I guess I must have woken up Billy from his mid-day nap because he knocked on my door and ask me if I was okay.

"She broke up with me." I cried out. Dad patted me on the back. "Shh, son it'll be okay. You just need to fight for her." I shook my head arguing with him. "She doesn't want me to…, she wants me out of her life. I'm so tired of-f fighting… I tried dad, I-I really did!" I choked out. The small place that held the tie of Renesmee was just a black hole of nothingness.

It took me a while to recover as I looked around the mess that I had caused. I was in my room, laying on my bed. My phone was off, the television was on but the volume was on mute. I had everything thrown everywhere. Probably from my confusing and upset mood swings. My phone was thrown on the floor across the room. My eyes were red and puffy from all the sobs that racked my body. I had my door locked so no one would bother me. They knew to stay away anyway. I kept replaying the memory of where I stuffed everything up. That I fucked up her life. I kept thinking of all the possibilities, what I could have done, but didn't. I kept thinking so much I thought my head was going to explode. My hands were actually red from hitting things as my mind kept going back. '_What if I really did stuff everything up and she'll never take me back.'_


End file.
